In a move that surprised absolutely no one with a functioning frontal lobe, the Oromocto Senators have officially announced that the team is entering a full-scale rebuild—again. This time, however, they promise it’s real, not the same “retool” lie they fed fans last time.
The final straw came after Spencer Knight’s performance over the last two games, which many described as “existential performance art” rather than goaltending. “It’s like he forgot how angles work,” one teammate muttered while hiding his trade request form behind a protein shake. “At one point he was facing the corner and yelling, ‘I got short side!’ There was no one there. Just the Zamboni door.”
Spectators at last night’s game were seen pointing and laughing when Knight, clearly lost, wandered into the wrong net during a delayed penalty and crouched down like he meant to be there. "To be fair," said one fan, "that was the best positional save he made this season."
When asked about Knight's situation, a source close to the team said, “He's a good kid. But after that bout with COVID and the karaoke incident at Smitty’s Pub, he hasn’t been the same. I think the song ‘I Will Survive’ really broke him.”
The Senators’ front office, never ones to miss an opportunity to tear it down, have declared that most of the team will be on the trading block effective immediately. The announcement came via fax, because apparently the franchise’s IT budget was traded for a conditional 6th rounder in 2022.
“The list of available players will go up after this article,” GM Trent Gallant said while loading office furniture into the back of his Subaru. “We’re looking for draft picks. No prospects. We’ve got enough 18-year-old kids who think TikTok is more important than backchecking. We want futures. Clean, simple, soulless futures.”
When asked whether player-for-player trades were on the table, Gallant nodded. “Sure. If someone wants to swap disappointment for disappointment, who am I to say no?”
The team’s hope rests on the upcoming Season 15 draft, which is still two seasons away. According to team projections, they might get lucky and land a decent goalie—one that knows which net to guard and what direction “forward” is. Of course, he’ll be riding the pine in the minors for two years, followed by four seasons of slowly becoming something that resembles NHL-ready.
“Best case scenario,” Gallant said, “we’re a Cup contender again in seven to eight seasons. Worst case? We’re still doing this press conference from the back of a Dollarama in 2035.”
Sources say morale in the locker room has plummeted, particularly after the team issued complementary roadmaps to all players in case they also forgot which direction the offensive zone is.
The rebuild is expected to be painful, prolonged, and peppered with bargain-bin signings, waiver wire miracles, and one or two highly questionable PTOs featuring ex-KHL players with expired visas and suspicious passports.
Meanwhile, fans of the Oromocto Senators are being asked for patience—and to please return their seat cushions, which were briefly used as makeshift goalie pads after Knight left his blocker in the vending machine area.
“We’re asking the fans to trust the process,” Gallant said, right before a power outage cut his mic and the stadium lights. “Rebuilds are hard. They’re like IKEA furniture. You never get the result you expected, and you always end up with too many screws and not enough hope.”
At press time, Knight was seen exiting the arena through the wrong door, helmet still on, mumbling something about “covering the five-hole on the astral plane.”
Rebuild season has officially begun in Oromocto. May God have mercy on us all.
6/2/2025 - 595 words
